Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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