He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
