i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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