i dedicated my morning wood to you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
