I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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