she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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