my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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