I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
