On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
