Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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