Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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