Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
