Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
