I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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