went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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