he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
