Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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