I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
