Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
