She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
