Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
