im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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