I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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