Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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