i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
