Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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