Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
