I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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