dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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