so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
