No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
