had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
