Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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