my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
