Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
