Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
