I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
