I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
