I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
