Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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