In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
