I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
