Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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