I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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