she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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