Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
