oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
