It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
