am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
