he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
