Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm at about main and main street
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
