I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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