omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
