I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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