Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
