So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
