just come out here and I will go home with you...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
